I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!