a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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