can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
