Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
