I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
