apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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