Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
