the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
