Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
