And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
