I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Every concussion has its silver lining
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
