I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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