3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
