Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
