Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
