dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
