I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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