Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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