Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
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its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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