Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
