I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
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You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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