sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
