You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
