when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
