Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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