It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
A bitchslap is in order.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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