Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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