i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
