i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
