eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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