Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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