I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
