so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
