I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
