I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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