I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
