He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
