cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
