Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
