Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
