If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
please don't ironically join a cult
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