yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
