You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
