The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
