please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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