I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
