I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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