i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
