i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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