Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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