I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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