Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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