My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
