oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
