Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
