in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
