i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
