Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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