K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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