there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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