I cut my penus on the lid.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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